5 Faulty Assumptions

1.  He doesn’t like dancing.

The main reason men do not like to dance simply because they do not know how.  In general, if they don’t feel they know what to do, they don’t want to do it.  Men do not like to feel like they are making a fool of themselves, especially in front of the people they want to impress.  They want nothing more than to sweep you off your feet and gain the respect and admiration of  you and everyone else with their confidence and competence on the dance floor.  The reality is simply this: He doesn’t like dancing with the knowledge and experience he currently has.

2.  He would never take dance lessons.

Men make up silly moves like the lawn-mower and the sprinkler like on the Evolution Dad Dancing thinking if they deliberately look bad, then they are being funny.  They do no have to sacrifice their self-esteem by trying to be good at something they have not learned or practiced  Everyone wants to KNOW how to dance; they are afraid of taking lessons.

Many people are afraid to try new things because they are afraid of what people will say.  Will I look foolish?  Will I be able to do it?  Will people think I’m silly for wanting to take lessons?  Are some common fears.  The hardest step in learning how to dance is the first one through the door.  But once they come through that door and see how easy it is, they will be happy they came.

3.  He has no rhythm.

If you have a heartbeat, you have rhythm.  The first thing you will learn on your lesson is that everyone can naturally create or follow a cadence.  Hearing the beat in music to the untrained ear can be difficult, it can sound like a confusing mix of sounds.  Without a background in music, separating the melody from the harmony from the rhythm can be confusing, but it is a skill that can be learned.  The most important thing on that first lesson is to get him confident he can learn how to dance.  To that end, your instructor may not even put music on for you to try to dance to on that first lesson.

4.  He has no time.

No time is a convenient excuse for not facing the aforementioned concerns.  Not enough time or money for basic lessons is rarely a valid excuse.  More likely it is a diversion.  We always seem to find the time and money for things we truly want or need.  The issue is more a question of ability or desire.

If you want to dance with your partner, you need to speak up and communicate how much and why you would like to dance with him.  Often times, if he realizes that you really want to do this, he will at least give it a try.  Too often, however, people are too quick to sacrifice what they want for their partner.  Women in particular do this but keep an invisible tally of how many times they have given up on their dreams and desires and want appreciation for our silent resignation.  But such expectations are simply not fair if your partner is not aware.  To help create a more solid foundation for our relationships, we must learn how to communicate more authentically and more clearly.  Dancing will definitely help you tune in better to your  partner, but it begins by talking about your real reasons and hopes to help get them on the dance floor.

So before you get upset because he does not care enough about you to make the time for you, make sure you have an honest conversation about how much you want to do this.

5.  He doesn’t want to dance with you.

Okay, so we have established several reasons that suggest why he is reluctant to dance that has little to do with you.  Here’s a major reason he may not want to dance with you:  You try to help him too much or your expectations are too high.

The last thing men want you to do is to drag them out on the floor to dance “with” you when they don’t know how to lead.  Becoming your dance puppet, as you say, “just follow me”  while you pull him around and spin yourself about is simply horrifying.  They know you want prince charming, and they want to be that, but they feel they cannot live up to either of your expectations.  Better to try to avoid it all-together.

Your job on the dance floor is to surrender, to let him lead, to encourage him by telling him how much you enjoy being with him, and relinquishing all expectations for how quickly he should learn or how well he should do.  Everyone gets better with practice;  he WILL get better.

Even across an ocean and into a new world, we are still fascinated with the aristocracy and the old world.  We love a royal wedding for all the fairy-tale images of princes and princesses and all they represent.  We can feel we only can experience the fantasy of a royal wedding vicariously.  But ballroom dance can help us add a little bit of that wondrous romance to our everyday life.

Escapism

Tuning into the Royal Wedding helps us tune out the petty, mundane, or stressful aspects of our life for a moment.  We can immerse ourselves in a different world filled with sparkle and glamor and romance.  But why do this only for a single event when this respite from our troubles and obligations can give us such renewed energy and clarity?  Every time we get on the ballroom floor, we leave everything else behind.  Setting our troubles aside, even for an hour, can help fortify us for all the obligations and stresses of our everyday lives.

Grace and Glamor

We tune in for the spectacle: the cathedrals and the carriages, the uniforms and the gowns.  We love the opulence, the color, and the sparkle.  All of this, and even more, can be had in the ballroom world.  Whether a competition, a show, or even at a Friday night party, you can see the glitter of rhinestones, the flash of fringe, and the splash of color swirl on and off the floor.  The heady combination of adrenaline, music, and camaraderie inspire us to new heights.  We feel more confident because ballroom helps us feel more interesting, more capable, and more connected.

Nobility

The polish of the aristocracy give us a portrait of a leadership that not only can lead us, but that can do it with style and polish.  Nobility in less about birth and more about standing . . . posture, literally, in some respect, and unassailable calm and dignity, no matter the circumstance.  We like to say on the very first lesson that the ballroom dance studio is where the ladies get to be ladies and the gentleman are gentleman.  Learning to ballroom dance gives us that grace and poise that we associate with princes and queens.  Dancing also trains us to realize prestige is less about us personally and more about the partnership and the teamwork as a community.  We learn to not only look more like leaders, but to have the confidence and capacity to become better leaders–on and off the dance floor.

Connection

We are all invited to the Royal Wedding via social media.  We can participate by watching it all on television or by throwing parties where we drink champagne and wear fancy hats.  Continents of peoples come together with a common dream of splendor, pomp, and circumstance.  A Royal Wedding, in some respects, brings us all together as a human community in spite of our differences.  Everyone is also invited “to the ball” each and every week when you make ballroom dancing a part of your everyday life.  Ballroom dance is all about connection and inclusion.  When we enter the ballroom dance studio, we feel lighter and happier as we are greeted and encouraged throughout our lessons.  Rather than feeling like a wallflower at the dance, we get feel the confidence to get out on the dance floor and participate in the dream of dance, and in doing so, participate more fully in living a life more magical–creating our own story of beauty, elegance, and connection.

Ballroom dance elevates our confidence and regard.  Consider this your formal invitation to dance.  Don’t just sit and watch the story on television; create your own.  Make your appointment today to raise your expectations and your hopes for a life with more pageantry, grace, and magic;  come dance with us and discover the romance of ballroom.

 Check out Stephen Marino for more fantastic images of ballroom.

The only equipment you really need to dance is a good pair of dance shoes.  But too quickly good shoes can go bad,…and I mean ooo-weee, put-your-shoes-back-on stinky!  Here are some tips to keep your dance shoes from ruining the romance of dance.

1. Protect your shoes from perspiration. 

And I mean goal number one:  KEEP YOUR SHOES DRY!  The sweat does not make your shoes smell bad; the bacteria on your feet that feast on the perspiration creates the odor.  So the first thing to do is protect your shoes as much as you can from sweat and from the bacteria on your feet.

• Men, wear two pair of thin dress shoes.  This will keep the majority of the sweat on the pair closest to your foot and protect your shoe from the dampness.  If you are dancing all day, bringing a fresh pair of socks to absorb the extra moisture is a good idea.
• Ladies, wear hose.  While fashion says stockings are optional, our noses suggest we wear hose.
• Use antiperspirant on your feet.  You can use regular antiperspirant (just have one that you dedicate to use on your feet only), or you can buy sprays or sticks specially made for your feet.
• Use foot powders to absorb some of the perspiration and prevent it from being sucked into your insoles.

2.  Dry your shoes out.  

After a good workout, do not bag your shoes up and put them in a drawer to marinate.  Suffocating your wet shoes just marinates the mischievous microbes.

•  Get a mesh show bag to allow your shoes to breathe and dry out.
•  Take your shoes out of the bag and let them dry out in the sun.
•  Have multiple dance shoes that you alternate  so that you can let your shoes dry thoroughly between wearings.
• Use a hairdryer to dry them out more quickly.

3.  Freeze your shoes.  

•  Bag your shoes in a zip-lock plastic bag…maybe two…and put them in the freezer.
•  Leave your shoes in the car in the winter, and freeze those pesky bacteria.

4.  Deodorize your shoes.  

•  Baking powder, coffee beans, and kitty litter are great at absorbing stinky smells.  You can make a sachet out of tea bags, coffee filters, or pantyhose and put them in your shoes when you store them.
• Cedar is also a great deodorizer; cedar inserts or cedar balls are a good way to keep your shoes smelling fresh.
• Ball up some dryer sheets and put them in your shoes.

Not only do your feet sweat naturally, they are particularly susceptible to emotional sweating.  So whether you are nervous about a performance, a competition, or impressing that special someone, be aware that your feet will be producing extra perspiration at these times.

The best advice to keep your shoes smelling fresh is to keep those puppies dry.

National Dance Clubs Students Larry & Carter Owens share their thoughts on how dancing has affected their relationship.

Carter and Larry Owens began their adventures in Ballroom Valentine’s week of this year…you can’t get a much more romantic date. They came as a guest of one of our other students, and since then, they have been coming in regularly for lessons with their teacher Vince Schulz as well as for buddy lessons with other teachers at the club.

In addition to learning social dancing, Carter and Larry ventured onto the competition dance floor this month for their first taste of the glitter, the glamour, the camaraderie, the challenge, and the excitement of ballroom dance competitions.  Competing together as an amateur couple as well as individually as pro-am couples with teachers in the inaugural NDC Championships, they were able to see what the a short-term goal could do for them as individuals, for their dancing, and for their relationship.  We loved seeing this couple out there together, with their teachers, and cheering each other on from the sidelines.  They were able to see how the challenge of a competition could put rocket boosters on their social dancing as well as create memories and stories of their new identities as ballroom dancers.

When asked how dancing has impacted their relationship, Carter had this to say, “We approached dancing as something we had talked about but had never acted on it but soon after starting we noticed that our communication between each other had changed…..it became sharper, not in a harsh way but actually became more sensitive! We began to be move in tune with what the other one was doing. He became a stronger leader, and I really had to step back to allow him to lead…to be a better follower!”

“We have become more patient with each other as we’ve struggled with learning some of the steps. The surprises have been that we BOTH are enjoying learning and even practicing.  We’re truly having fun, and, most importantly, we are doing this together. We do a lot of things together but dancing has brought us closer.  Even though we are both fairly competitive, we are both working for this joint goal together!! The bottom line is this whole “dancing thing” has taken on a definition we had never considered nor imagined!!”

We love seeing couples come closer together through ballroom dance, watching them discover–or rediscover–things about themselves and about each other, and sharing their joy together through dance.  Larry and Carter will be taking the next step in their ballroom adventure this fall when they take to the stage in our Showcase in October.

photos by Donna Duda

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One of the things that we want to accomplish through ballroom dance is to go beyond the personal need to feel seen, heard, and valued to eventually see, hear, and value others. Partner dancing can take us from worrying less about what others think of us to worrying more about what others think of themselves, and ultimately, ballroom dancing can help us become more confident with and more caring toward others.   If we only teach people to dance and give them the confidence to move outside their own comfort zone step by step and we do not give them the encouragement and the tools to help change the lives of those around them, we have not shared with them the most wonderful gifts of social dance.

Our number one job is to get guests because our goal is to spread the benefits of the movement, the cooperation, and the recognition people get from dance to as many people as possible. By showing our students how to better see and to reach out to other people—family, friends, acquaintances, and strangers alike—we are improving our students’ confidence in themselves. We are helping them to see the potential of the people around them and to reach out to make a difference in another person’s day, if not their life.

Today, through social media, we can feel  we are much more connected to others than we were in the past. We reach out into the ether and can get a like or a comment that makes us feel as though people see and know us. The irony is that social media can separate us as much as it can bring us together. We often focus on the best, most impressive images, events, and people in our lives in an attempt to craft our online identity. How happy, fulfilled, and busy we seem online may not align with how we really feel.  We think this profile helps others know us better, but in actuality, the artifice of the portrayal puts more distance between us. This pretty fiction we present to our friends and followers gives us the illusion that people really understand and appreciate us. While they see what we post, they rarely understand where we really are. This disparity between what we perceive and what is really going on reminds me of a poem I read in college by Stevie Smith:

Not Waving but Drowning

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he’s dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.

When we don’t take the time to really tune in or to really listen to people, we can get the impression everything is fine, while in reality, most people live lives of “quiet desperation.”  We are all drowning a little.  We are all fighting our own battles.  When someone takes the time to focus on us for a time can mean the world to us.  So we owe it to ourselves and other to reach out and connect with others.  Even people that seem to have it all together from a distance could use a smile, a kind word, and, yes, a little more dance in their lives.  Ballroom dancing brings us close enough together to really see more of each other. We, literally, get back in touch with each other.

So remember, the next time someone says they are “fine” or the next time you reach out a hand in invitation and are rejected, they may not be open with you because they may be afraid you are simply being polite or cautious of revealing their vulnerability. We owe it to ourselves and to others to be persistent in our attempts to get to know each other better and to encourage each other to take steps to try new things and meet new people. For only through our connecting with other people can we become more than who we are and join the dance of life.

What we really do through partner dance is help people become more themselves. Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, we long to step out of our supporting role in other people’s lives and become the hero of our own story, to step out of the colorless, ordinary day-to-day life to one of Technicolor and magic, filled with unlimited possibilities, to become “larger than life”.

But most of us, as Caroline McHugh says in her TED talk on The Art of Being Yourself, “do not take up nearly the space the universe intended for us; we take up this wee space around our toes. Which is why when we see someone in the full flow of their humanity, …they are at least a foot bigger in every direction than normal human beings. And they shine, they gleam, they glow. It’s like they’ve swallowed the moon.” 

Lawrence Elkin, founder of National Dance Clubs used to talk of the “presence” of a ballroom dancer: the confidence and power of someone who has faced the fear of what people might think, to become more of who they would like to be and who they can be, and to transform through the power of partnership dance into a person more confident in their own skin and able to inhabit more fully their own space.

We see people that come into the ballroom for the first time trying physically to take up less space, to shrink into themselves so as to become almost invisible:  their head sinks down into their body like a turtle’s as their shoulders rise up to their ears, their arms pull in close as though the are afraid of bumping into people and things around them.  They are afraid to be noticed because they are afraid of being judged and found wanting.  We hear nervous laughter and self-deprecating comments about themselves or their partner to shield themselves from what others might say or think; they apologize all the time.  We see people who cultivate an image and wardrobe designed to be shapeless and unremarkable.  And we love these people.

We love them because we know they are ready to become more themselves in spite of their fears;  we see where they are and can imagine where they will be as they journey down their path of self-discovery, and we love to see the transformation in the way they carry themselves, the way the think of themselves, and the way they present themselves.  They begin to shine,  to gleam, to glow.  Their whole life becomes a dance.  Not only are they able to become more gloriously themselves, they are able to give and take with those around them in partnership and encouragement.

The saying in the dance business is that the hardest step in learning to dance is the one through the front door.  Crossing the threshold takes great courage because it is not just a physical doorway, but a spiritual one: the transition between who you think you are and who you wish you could be.  Caroline McHugh calls this an “Interval of Possibility”.  These are challenging times,  and most people “would rather sleepwalk until something happens to wake us up.”  People settle into their comfort zones at home, at work, in their relationships and often are moved only through dramatic events to any kind of change.  We can live our whole lives on autopilot if we are not careful.  McHugh says, “The problem is when it happens catastrophically, you are vulnerable; you are weak. And my question is, why wouldn’t you ask yourself [who you really are] when you are strong? From a position of health?”

So many people when they entertain the notion of coming in for a dance lesson put it off for another day.  They wait till their relationship is in trouble, till they have drifted apart or feel unappreciated or unheard.  They wait till they have lost their spouse.  They wait until they realize they must exercise or face greater health costs.  They wait for the perfect time, which is actually right now at this “interval of possibility,” not some undefined time in the future when catastrophe forces us to change.  At these times, “when you sense your potential for change is heightened…You know if you make that change the speed of your life will change,” and that scares people.  You reach that moment when you are at a crossroads of the choice to remain the same or to become more, become better, and as McHugh says, our job is to be better and better each year, not to relive the same year over and over.

Ballroom dance, with its fabulous costumes, the expressiveness of the movements and music, and its collaborative creativity with your partner is a perfect way to explore who you are with color, music, and movement.  Ballroom dance expands your heart, your mind, and your spirit, making you seem “larger than life” to those around you because you feel more confident in being more authentically you.  Ballroom dance connects you with your partner and your audience.  It can give you the courage to continue to grow and shine and gleam in all aspects of your life, and “Not only will the speed of your life get quicker, not only will the substance of you life get richer, but you will never feel superfluous again.”

1. You will get the chance to revel in the demonstration of your achievements and get a sense of pride in your accomplishments.
2. You will be able to express and share your love of dancing with others.
3. The opportunity to observe other dancers both at your dance level and above is both fun and instructive.
4. Your dancing will gain an additional sense of purpose and excitement.
5. You can indulge in the opportunity to dress to the nines and feel like royalty for the day.
6. You will be able to embrace the challenge and motivation of preparing for a specific goal and learning faster because of it.
7. Competing will upgrade the quality level of your dancing.
8. It will also add confidence and presence to your dancing beyond what you can get from lessons and practice sessions.
9. You will experience the burst of adrenaline and excitement you get when facing a challenge and prevailing over it.
10. No matter what your level, you can help inspire others to try something new and embrace a challenge.
11. You will enjoy the camaraderie of fellow dancers in a festive environment: food, fun, dancing, friends—who can ask for more!
12. You will be a part of the studio team; your results will contribute to the studio score, and you will be a valuable cheerleader for your fellow competitors.